So the Olympics are just 2 sleeps away (discounting the start of the football!). The excitement is brewing, the anticipation is unbearable and the Olympic Highways have come into action!

Athletes from all over the world are fine tuning their game plans and putting in the last of many gruelling hours of training, all striving to reach the pinnacle of their chosen event. I, on the other hand, have reached the summit of my mountain. I need not fear the pressure of the home crowd. I need not worry if the Opening Ceremony interferes with my first day of competition. I need not stress over whether my family have all got tickets to see me shine on the world stage, for I am the proud winner of the Octopus 'Cracker Off'!

Destiny was achieved in the cauldron of the downstairs kitchen.  Although at first reluctant to (in the words of athlete/food connoisseur/idol Anton Du Beke) "step up to the plate", I was consciously taking the psychological upper hand over my fellow 'crackerteers' (for that is how we refer to ourselves within the sport) causing them to no doubt swallow their all important gathered saliva as I stepped forward into the competition line.

Unbeknownst to me, months of hard work led me to the greatest of cracker eating achievements. From the humble crisp bread accompanying many a bowl of soup during the toils of a long, dark winter, to the lightening of the diet with the switch to rice cakes come the spring, I had been readying myself for my day of destiny well in advance. My fellow 'crackerteers' were unknowingly disadvantaged.

On Sammy's shrill shriek of "GO!" the tireless consumption of all things crackers in training meant nothing. Immediately I knew I was up against the best the Group had to offer, as Kelly 'Rambo' Ramsay & Rachel 'DTAWASC' (don't trust anyone with a speck case) Goodwin chomped their way through the first of the crackers super quick. I was in a fight for first place. On and on, and on, and on, and on we masticated, each mustering all the jaw action we could.

Then from nowhere, with only seconds remaining in such a tight fought contest, Joe 'Kilimanjaro' Johnson (a colossus in the crackering world) raided the plate for a third time. I couldn't let all the months of dedication surfing the biscuits & snacks aisle for delicate savoury delights go to waste, I had to go with him and go with him I did. "STOP!" cried Sammy. "We have a tie."

Had I blown my chance? This was an unforeseen ending to the event not planned for by my well established coaching team of Jacobs, McVitie & Carrs. I summoned my inspiration from a simple mantra 'WWWD?' (What would Wallace do?)

Gulp! Gulp! Gulp! The Golden Cracker tie break began. Adopting a similar 'swallow the cracker whole technique' from Wallace in his crackering prime in 'A Grand Day Out', I began to realise my efforts were edging me closer to victory. Despite a slightly dubious first steward's enquiry, on the 2nd time of asking, my mouth was barren of cracker, of saliva, of life. I had done it! I had conquered all those put before me and achieved my goal. Número uno! Top Crackerteer!

So now all that I am waiting for are the countless offers of ludicrous sponsorship deals (for all enquiries please contact Graham) and television commercials to cement my rise to the top of the packet, just as those that taste gold in the next fortnight will no doubt receive. Though, please don't offer me cheese, as I only have eyes for crackers!

Jack @Jacklouis13